29. Feminine Rage: How We Release What We Carry with Simone Sylvester

In this episode of Conditioning to Consciousness, we’re talking about something a lot of women feel… but rarely say out loud: rage—the kind that builds quietly under “I’m fine,” behind the smile, and beneath years of self-betrayal, suppression, and over-functioning.

The episode starts with a quiet reflection on the importance of feeling it all at a time when there's a lot of unrest and discontent building across the U.S.

Then, I’m joined by Simone Sylvester, a practitioner and writer in the space of the dark feminine, where we explore the parts of ourselves that have been shunned, softened, or silenced in the name of being “good,” “easy,” or “palatable.” What I love about this conversation is how grounded it is—this isn’t rage as drama or chaos. It’s rage as information. Rage as truth. Rage as a signal that something in us has been overridden for too long.

Simone shares the story behind Rage Pages—a simple, powerful practice for releasing anger safely through writing (and then letting it go—rip it up, burn it, throw it away). We also talk about why so many spiritual spaces can feel bypassy, why “good vibes only” can become its own kind of cage, and how movement, ritual, nervous system awareness, and honest self-expression can help us process what we’ve been carrying—without turning it inward and letting it become anxiety, burnout, or dis-ease in the body.

If you’ve ever thought, “I’m not an angry person,” or “Rage isn’t really me,” this episode is a gentle invitation to look again. Because for so many women, rage isn’t the problem—it’s the accumulation. And when it finally rises, it’s often because something deeper is ready to be reclaimed.

In this episode, we explore:
• What “the dark feminine” really means (and what it doesn’t)
• Why feminine rage is often delayed self-respect
• How suppression shows up in the body over time
• The practice of Rage Pages (and how to use it safely)
• Why movement, dancing, and even screaming can be medicine
• How to deprogram “good girl” conditioning and return to truth

If this conversation resonates, share it with a friend who’s been holding it together for too long—and if you’re ready to experiment, try Rage Pages this week and notice what shifts.

Visit Simone on Substack. 

If this episode spoke to you, it would mean the world if you took a moment to leave a review or share it with a friend who needs it. And make sure you hit follow so you never miss an episode of Conditioning to Consciousness.

You can connect with me on Instagram @jesscallahan_, join my Substack community at conditioningtoconsciousness.substack.com, or explore more of my work at jesscallahan.com.

My Back in the Body Nervous System Healing course is now available! Find it here.

Thanks for listening — I’m so grateful you’re here.

Transcript

Jess 0:02

Today we're talking about feminine rage. I'm so excited to share this conversation with you. Today, my conversation is with Simone Sylvester, and she works in the space of like the dark feminine and helping women reclaim the like deepest, most sacred parts of themselves. And on Substack at one point I came across a note that she posted about feminine rage. And it's this idea that like I think it comes with a lot of curiosity and interest, but also like, wait a minute, like that's not me. You know, I don't carry that. But this conversation was so enlightening. It w it really like broke down the idea of feminine rage, like how it lives in each of us, why it lives in each of us, and how we can release it. So without further ado, I'm going to turn it over to this incredible conversation with Simone.

Simone 0:59

Thank you, first of all. Thank you for asking me on here. And thank you for your interest. It's um, I have to say, I didn't quite expect this feminine rage conversation to catapult so much. Like when I created Rage Pages, as I said at the beginning of the article, it was because I was in a situation in Grenada with my family. Um and I was having to actually manage this deep well of rage within me. And I then really and that idea for rage pages just kept on coming in my head. It literally was screaming in my head. And I was like, okay, fine, I need to create this. And then it reminded me that I've always had rage pages, and my diary, my poor diary, which was so cute, it had like little sheets at the front and adorable, but the pen marks going through the pages were like it went through like at least four pages deep, where I just I couldn't hit anything, I couldn't scream out, so I just the poor diary felt the felt the rage. And then I thought, wow, this has been something I've been dealing with for a while. And obviously, when you go back to parent situations, you end up being transported back to that feeling and that time. Um and then I was like, I wonder how many other women have to stuff this down and deal with it. And bear in mind, like I do my work is in dark feminine, so it is about shadow work, um, the dark side of femininity that doesn't get spoken about because it's been shunned and we've been told to ignore it. So that was a thing that came up. And when I just put my last note I put out, not last note, but the note that has done the most, what is got the most views, and it's like crazy at like 50,000 impressions and yeah, yeah, and I just wrote it so offhand, and I was like, whoa, this is sitting in women. And I had a client yesterday who said that she stuffed her rage down for a breakup, her dad dying, then she went for another breakup, earning menopause through the stress, and then she's got like pelvic issues from again holding on to the stress, and she just had to let the rage out because her body literally couldn't take it anymore. And it's I'll keep having these conversations with women. Yeah, and one woman was gonna get married, and she left the fiance basically at the altar, went to the jungle. I met her in Akamal because she was not too far from here, and she said she just screamed into the jungle for about three months.

Jess 3:30

Wow. Well, I mean, it does. I really do think that it lives in so many of us, and I think it's like it's a topic that's like intriguing, but then it's like there's a curiosity around it too, because we've been told to like stuff our rage and our feelings down for so long, you know, that it's like, wait a minute, like what does that mean? And like, does it live within me too, you know? So and that permission as well.

Simone 3:55

I'm finding like there's a lot of women that have messaged me and said, Thank you for giving me the words that I didn't realize this thing was sitting inside me, and thank you for the permission, which I'm just like, wow, that is very interesting.

Jess 4:09

Because interesting's a good word, right? Because like permission, such it's so layered where it's like, we don't need permission, like nobody, I don't need anybody's permission, but also like that we wait for that like silent permission, right? So okay, I want to pause for a minute really quickly and rewind. I am super curious about how you got to this space where you know you're exploring feminine rage and you know, talking about the rage pages. Um, you know, what brought you here?

Simone 4:41

Okay, so I was a stylist. I've been in a fashion, I've been in the fashion industry for many years, at this point, 16 years. And I love expression. I've always loved expression. I love clothes, I love style. I had a clothing shop in London for a while. I used to do festivals and events, and I had I used to work with music clients, commercial clients. And what I found with musicians, even still as well, and with my um in-store clients, were women holding themselves back. Again, it was the permission thing, and it was sort of, am I allowed to do this? Is this okay? And I'd have I always used to source wildcard pieces, I call them, which was um they were all one-offs and it was all statement pieces. I I'm really not a fan of everyday wear of just like boring things, to be fair.

Jess 5:32

Like a green, like a green sweater that's just like yeah.

Simone 5:36

I've got a clown on my t-shirt. Oh, yeah, do you do have a clown on your t-shirt? Right. So I just I personally just prefer brat like loud, brash, ridiculous things. So that was what my shop was. So I found women were drawn to it, and then were like, oh yeah, but where do I wear it? And oh, I can't wear that, and oh, but you can, I can't, and if only. And I remember thinking, what is going on here? Like, so then I also did a bit of personal styling, which felt like therapy, because quite often the story was, oh, my husband bought this for me because he thinks I need ABC or someone, you know, got this as a gift with me because but I don't like my arm and I don't like this. And and I thought, wow, we're really tying ourselves up here as women, you know. So I was in a 10-year relationship, and then that's partly come to an end. And I felt like I was no longer, I wasn't expressing myself the way I wanted to. I had way more life to live, and I wasn't, and he didn't want to progress, and I was like, you know what? No, um, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna set myself free. I think we should both set ourselves free to be honest, and go and explore the other part of our lives. So inside of that, I then wanted to explore my own what I call divine darkness, because there was things that probably I say taboo, but there were things that I just wanted to explore. Like, you know, I there's parts of wanting to I've all in my phone always had like kink and latex and fetish nods. So there were some things of that I was like, you know what, I want to explore my sexuality a bit more, and you know, I want to explore things of myself that I'm not able to do here, and life's too short for me to just sit down with youth all this time, so no. So, but then also I found I had I had um comments of partners saying, Oh, you want to do this and you want to do that, and you just need to do this, and why don't you just listen to me? And why can't I get the last word in? And why can't I? And I was like, Well, I'm not just gonna give it to you because you've got dick. Do you know what I mean? Like it sends something useful. You know, I'm not just gonna be quiet or make myself not tell you what I know is true, or I feel the fact we have a discussion because I'm a woman you think I should just be quiet. So I then started to look into femininity and thinking, okay, maybe I should address some of these things if I want to have another relationship. Let's look into the femininity thing. Then I was like, I don't understand why everything has this like blanket tone and no one's allowed to have any real feeling. You know, what is this?

Jess 8:17

You know? Yeah, yeah, blanket. Oh, it's like that's a good uh that's a good analogy for it. It is, it's like this like just like flatness, yeah.

Simone 8:26

Muffing it out, any real sound, feeling, emotion. And I thought, you know what, I don't think this is for me, like this is not my femininity. And in that time, I was doing work with Kelly, the hinter goddess, and that was coming up to me, and I was starting to process some feelings, and I thought, you know, I think I I was finding my own empowerment inside of that, and I think there is an there is duality, and there is another side to femininity and women and people, and in finding my own empowerment, I just thought that other women needed to also find it in that, and I was in a lot of um spiritual circles and groups and places around the world, and I just thought, wow, this is really just one dimension, it's so bloody boring. Yeah, yeah. Um I felt I had a message and I've sat down with Vachalman somewhere, and he said things to me, and I was like, I knew it, I knew it wasn't just me being crazy, like part of this dark work is actually what I'm supposed to do. So that's how I ended up here.

Jess 9:29

Wow. Yeah, it's like this like slow, um, like slow waking up, but it's also like just I'm hearing you like spotting all of those little like themes as you're like interacting with women and seeing like why aren't we, why aren't we wearing the bold patterns? Why aren't we like sharing our feelings? And um, it is like there's just this like flatness, I feel like that keeps us all sort of in these like pretty little boxes where you're like, if I step out of it, am I too much? Am I too like, am I crazy? Am I unlovable?

Simone 10:00

Like, you know, is no one gonna want me and all of this. And you just think maybe that's okay. People have to rise up to you, like rather than you going down to other people, like everyone should be rising up. I don't understand what's happening.

Jess 10:10

But we're just we've been just taught, I think, to like fear creating discomfort in other people, fear our own discomfort. But like when we express emotion, it creates discomfort in someone else. And it's like, um, so we like recoil. So okay, so when did you first start to like witness your own feminine rage?

Simone 10:36

Well, I would say I just recently um wrote an article about my origin story, Divine Darkening is my origin story, which was when I was like 11 and there was an incident in my house, and there was an unwanted person there who's there for far too long. And I ended up exploding essentially. Um, and that's I never felt rage like that in my entire life, but didn't know what it was because I was a kid. So that was my first instance of not being able to manage the feelings that were welling up in me, I would say. Uh but in terms of my own, I've kind of it's interesting to say I've kind of always had it. I grew up in a boy show household, there's like five of us that had brothers, cousins, that sort of thing. So I wasn't monocoddled, so I was I've sort of you had to stand up for yourself. And then I was never a small girl, I'm like the tallest in my class, and this, that, and the other. So I was always aware of it, and then I knew when it got me into trouble a few times, I was also quite a tearaway. So um I thought, okay, I think we need to get a lid on this, which I did to get into the fashion world and to like live a life, but then I went so much the other way, it made me ill, and I got a tumor, and and I was like, okay, yeah. So I've I've kind of always had it there. I've had the beast, I call it always there, but I've had to learn how to tame her and use her and that sort of thing.

Jess 12:11

Um so interesting, like just the whole the whole idea. I think I'm sort of the opposite where I just like uh blanketed everything down. You know, I was never taught to like like emotional expression isn't something that like was familiar in my world. And so they're just like it was any any sort of emotional expression was just like um yeah, uncomfortable, right? Uncomfortable, and so it's just like not something that we do, and that's like what's passed through the lineage. Um, and so interestingly, for you know, your experience is sort of the opposite where you're like constantly sort of taming it, like you know, yeah, and that's a hard thing too, because you know, it's um yeah, where it's just constantly like self-monitoring, like how can I how can I shape myself to fit into other spaces, you know, which is also not a healthy thing, right?

Simone 13:01

Right, exactly. Because you damp it in yourself, you are, you know, so but also you have to be careful. Obviously, a fire uh not tended to is wild as well, you know, so and it can cause a lot of damage. So then you have to there's balance all the way around, but then I'm finding I feel like my case is is not as common as most women who do tend to just put themselves out and just don't say anything. So I feel like part of why I have this well of emotioning me is to help pull it out in other women, you know. I'm like the little spark that will spark other women as we as we go along.

Jess 13:38

It's like a little igniter, sort of like let's like pull that out of you so you can well, okay. So then how do you like how do you describe like what is feminine rage?

Simone 13:50

Feminine rage to me is I mean the thing is it's quite a few things, but generally it's all the things feminine rage is your truth, essentially. Let's say this because I would say I find by the time you get to the point of rage, you've stuffed down so much of yourself and your truth and your opinions and your feelings that it just has to explode. So it's the injustices, it is the self-betrayal, the self-abandoning, you know, it's you just not being sovereign, which then ends up turning into rage. And it's interesting because with that note I posted, I have a lot of people saying, Well, it's women victimizing themselves to not being held accountable. And I just thank you, that face. Yeah, I'm just sorry.

Jess 14:48

What? Yeah, I just yeah, say it again, very like bit women victimizing themselves, which is really just like, you know, from from the people who don't understand the systems that have brought us to where we are today, where like a woman can't can't, you know, stand up for herselves all the time because she hasn't been taught to, she's been taught. Or, or if you look at like even just like the epigenetics of it and the ancestral impact, right? Like it's it literally lives in the DNA of women and the expression of our DNA. Great. It's not it's not a choice that we're making to just like not stand up for ourselves or not self-advocate or not self-express. Like it is literally something that is living in our bodies.

Simone 15:36

Exactly. And I I think my response to that particular person, I mean, immediately first of all, I saw it them and I thought, okay, so I might take it back. And then I said, you know what? Sit down and look at what you actually wrote here. Like, think about truly what you've just said. And I left it at that. Because I think if you don't have a moment to actually really check what you're saying, our conversation's over. There's just no point in it because it's ridiculous.

Jess 15:59

And you're okay, so you're the post. I want to read the post because I thought that it was um it was so simple, but it was so good. It said, I don't know if you remember it off the top of your head, but it was like feminine rage is delayed self-betrayal.

Simone 16:18

Most feminine rage is self-betrayal. Oh, yeah. Wait, hold on.

Jess 16:22

No, I'm gonna find it. We can hold on. I restacked it too, so this should be way easier.

Simone 16:29

But I do want to read it to a second. Oh, most feminine rage is delayed self-respect.

Jess 16:35

Delayed self-respect. Okay, yeah. So most feminine rage is delayed self-respect. Okay, so really, and then what was the comment? Say the comment again.

Simone 16:44

Uh, that women find ways to victimize themselves and yeah, don't basically manage their emotions. Your your post is the top example of that.

Jess 16:53

Oh my gosh. Right. Wow. And it's like you can't even, I don't think you can even engage with like people who have that perspective because I feel like there's so many people who are still just so conditioned by all of these things that we've been taught. And it's really hard to like change your truth. It's really hard to like get at your truth, maybe not change it, but it's hard to like peel back those layers to spot it. And I just don't, I don't know if some of these like some people are ever even like capable of seeing the world from another's like perspective.

Simone 17:27

Yeah, yeah. I wonder that because that's why I said really sit down and think about what you said here. Like just think about what you've written because it doesn't make any sound victim, you know. You just think you've just written that and you haven't even thought about what I said or or anything. And if it was at least something that I could debate with, or you know, I'm happy to have the conversation always. But when it's something like, oh, well, you know, you'd make yourself a victim, and this is it, and this, and then there was another comment about it sounding really narcissistic, and I just was like, okay.

Jess 18:05

And they're then they're not your people, right? They are not the people that are here to learn the message because it is like, I think the more the more people I talk to about this, I mean, even just a couple of the themes that you've named throughout it, like suppression of emotion and it's like the the impact that it has on your body, right? You you mentioned health health challenges that you had from suppressing emotion, I think, right? And and I had I had the same thing. It like for me, it was a fibromyalgia diagnosis. And it's like when when we're not feeling emotions, processing emotions, like they're still impacting our bodies, you know, it's still it it just lives in us, then exactly.

Simone 18:46

They become dis-ease in the body. I always say that because they don't go anywhere, it just sits down and stagnates and then becomes a physical thing because we do need to process it. That's why I always say it's healthy emotion that okay, you don't always need to react, but you do need to process it, even if it's just a self-reflection and you know, hence why I have rage pages for you to just be able to get it out and write it, scribble it, tour it, like anything you need to do, but you need to release it 100%.

Jess 19:16

Yeah, okay, so I have more questions about that, but tell us about rage pages a little bit more. So, like, um how how are you using the idea of rage pages yourself? Like, how are you seeing them impact others who are starting to like use this idea or how can it help others?

Simone 19:35

Uh as I said before, I've always used rage pages. It's writing has been my release since I was a kid. So anytime things really sit in my mind and I chew on it too much, I just have to write it out. Um so that's how I've always used Rage Pages and why I created it. So in women's comments and messages, if I find currently it's a free download. So I just created it because I was like, I think everyone needs this. Here you go, have it. And uh I've had amazing feedback of women being like, Thank you so much, I have a space to be able to be free. And there's no there's no judgment even on yourself because you find, you know, obviously we also judge ourselves for our emotions. So in rage pages, it's particularly say like in morning pages where it's free writing in the morning. This is the same thing, but it is just suppressed emotion and anger. You just write it out and leave it. You burn it, rip it up, throw it away, never look at it again. But it's just a way, a safe way to contain the buyer.

Jess 20:38

Yeah, it's like the benefit you get from that like stream of conscious journaling. Maybe for some people it's like through voice, however, you tap into that like stream of conscious, like yeah, processing just to release it. And I love the idea of burning it, it feels really like satisfying. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting. Like, I think the idea of rage can sound if it's not something that people have worked with much, or the idea of it, like I think it can sound scary, like I don't have that within me, right? Like that sounds a little bit aggressive. Like I'm, you know, I don't I don't experience rage, right? Because yeah, we've been talking about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's not me. That's not me. Yeah, but but it sounds like what you're saying is really like for most of us, it's it's this like slow build, this like slow accumulation that like when we do suppress all of these things, like um, but here, okay, here's an example. I just posted this like story on my like sub stack notes. I was uh I was checking out from the grocery store yesterday, the other day, whatever day it was. And there's this kid, he's at the cash register, he's like a teenager, young teenager, and he's like trying to be really like jovial and just like you could tell he's really trying. And he asked this woman how her day is, and she's she's just like, it's okay. And he goes, Okay, it has to be good. And I was like, Oh, wow, like that's there's so much like wrong with that, but also like he's just a kid and and he doesn't know any different, but like he's the what he's being taught and what he's expressing, and whether she believes it or not, it's hitting her nervous system, his words, you know, where it's like you like we have to be optimistic, and if he's just okay, it's making him uncomfortable, and it's all of those little like micro moments, I think, that build up, right?

Simone 22:35

Especially as a woman. I you know, now it's like, oh no, actually I'm fab, it's fine. But if to be honest, if that was a man, it said I'm okay. Okay, cool. Would you say that? Or do you expect as a woman I have to please you and overperform and you know, but sometimes yeah, it's just I'm okay, I'm alive, I'm here, it's fine.

Jess 22:53

Yeah, yeah, and and those I think sometimes are like the first steps that we can really take to um like to start moving in that direction is just like being honest with ourselves, right? Like even if it is just that like raw moment of honesty where you're like, you know what, like I'm not actually okay, and it's okay for me to just say that. Like, you know, whether you say I'm just okay or you know, I've had better days, it's not a bad day, it's total shit day, like whatever it is, like just starting to be honest with yourself, I think is where we can start to like release it, even in those, like you know, at micro like the just those like moments of like small release, I think help us yeah, get to the point that we're not just like all bottled up.

Simone 23:40

Exactly, it really does. And that I started in the rage pages, I also at the end have a thing called the dark meter, which is where you're checking in on where you are on things like that. So you're checking in on, you know, how many no's have I said today? What's my boundaries? And if I was truthful with myself, how do I really feel? And you know, so you're just checking in with that so it doesn't become so alien for you to sit in your shadow or darkness as part of your daily life, and that is something you just check in with, but like, you know, what's what's my meter today? You know, how much do I have to give? Or, you know, so you're just you're aware as you're moving through your daily life. And I think something that's that's something everyone can probably do with men and women, yeah.

Jess 24:22

Yeah, I think that being willing to sit with our both of you know, the light and the darkness, like being willing to be often, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think that people, I think we've just been taught through various layers of you know, the the the systems that shape our cultures, and it's like I don't know, there's just so many different layers that say like darkness is bad, shadow is evil, like you know, we associate like but really it's just like having a willingness to to look within and exactly and it permeates culture.

Simone 25:01

I mean, when I started looking at his work and my substance initial um pieces, if you look at the language around light and dark from fairy tales to stories to, you know, if even in terms of colour and racism, like how that is also portrayed, you know, it's it's so integral to our being that you don't even it just gets shut down. Anything to do with darkness is just shut down, where I feel like that's the true inner work to evolve in because you can't just stay in the light and happy and not do the inner work because it's festering in you, you know. So to me, that's the missing piece in moving forward consciousness in ourselves, you know, because you you can't just stay in the light, it's just not feasible as far as I can see.

Jess 25:51

It's like bypassy, right? Like it's like you can't just like love and light and good vibes only, and like we're just dismissing ourselves.

Simone 26:00

Exactly. And then when you're in certain circles, I mean maybe the person I am, I can see people's darkness, but they cover it up with light so much, and then it becomes wicked, you know, it begins, it moves from just pure darkness, which is creation, and there's there's there's possibility inside of that. You can alchemize it and move it on, but if you're let it fester that stagnates and does become evil, becomes something I think it takes on a different form.

Jess 26:27

Yeah, I think so too. You have to be able to work with both. It's like um you have to be able to well, and like backing up, like working with darkness, working with shadow. It's uh it's not like some big, scary, like mystical process. Yeah, it's just I I think, and you have to tell me what what you think of it as, but like almost like when you feel those moments of like tension, restriction, resistance, um, blocked, like you feel like there is something that's blocking your path, blocking your vision. Um, or or like you start to feel the like beats of um anxiety or something like wanting to come out, right? But it's that tension, it's that inner like dissonance happening. I feel like that's the moment you turn in, and when you start to explore the source of that, right? That's what leads you to like excavating those like dark corners.

Simone 27:24

Exactly. And that for me is is where your true power lies because you're really getting to the nitty-gritty of things, so you're not always reacting from a trauma, you know, a trauma space, or you're able to it's something very important and be able to check your own shit, you know. Or be like, you know what, let me just take a step back and see where am I the problem, could I be the problem, and then live you live a lot more of like a real, so to speak, life, you know, true life.

Jess 27:53

It's yeah, it's like sourced from within, it's like authenticity. It's from your own.

Simone 27:58

Exactly. And no one can tell you don't have as much, you don't need outside validation because you've already done it. You're like, okay, well, I know I can be a bit like this, I understand that about myself. Or you could say, no, because I know that about myself, I know this is not me, actually, because I've done the work, you know.

Jess 28:15

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I was I was having a conversation with friends about um like gift giving and teachers and stuff for like kids. And and you know, one friend always gives the gifts and the other friend never gives the gifts, and it's like both are rooted in some sort of like like pressure story. And you know, as I'm sitting here listening, I'm thinking like all of it comes back to like when we make decisions that are rooted in a reason that aligns with our why, then it makes sense. It's not like one person has to feel like they have to conform. It's you know, it lives in those simple little decisions where it's like, well, I don't need to do what she's doing because like obviously something I'm doing is wrong. It's like it your decision making in your life, I think it's so much easier because you just know like that's aligned. That's not, that's not, that's not, right? Like, and you can shed the things that aren't yours more quickly too. Exactly.

Simone 29:09

Yeah, and it's it's deprogramming essentially. Uh I think that's probably why it's been demonized, because then you become free. I'm massive on freedom, and you you you're a lot, yeah, you become free.

Jess 29:22

Yeah, with like programming being this like um unspoken operating system that we're all sort of like running on, and when you're living by that rule book that you don't even realize is like there, you're just like you're all of your decision making is aligned with like what the rules say, you know, not like your own.

Simone 29:42

Are they even your rules? Do you even care about this? You know? Yeah, probably not. Exactly. If you really had the time to done and think about it, you'll think that's not really important to me, actually. I'm not really that bothered.

Jess 29:52

Yeah, I literally don't care. I know. Like I just like it's not something that that I'm gonna, yeah, carry with me because it's not it's not worth like what's the cost when you carry all of that, all of the extra weight and all the conditioning and all the roles you suppress the emotions. Like, what is the cost? What do you think the cost is?

Simone 30:14

Well freedom. The cost is your it's your soul purpose, it's what you're actually supposed to be here for. You know, everyone I believe everyone sold came here to evolve for a reason, and once because we're programmed with all these other layers, we're burying that purpose so deep that you don't get a chance to explore the reason why you're here. So yeah.

Jess 30:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, and that's like I think when you can connect with that, like so. For me, like before I got here, I was like just I knew I had this emptiness that lived within me. And I think I was just reaching out in any direction to sort of like fill that void. And to touch on like our earlier, you know, the earlier parts of our conversation. Um, as I look back, I'm like, the signs were so clear. Like my, you know, my whole house was neutral and my wardrobe was black and white, and it was just like not that those things aren't self-expression, but like I was just like, there was no me anywhere, you know, there was no me. And so I was just reaching out to fill the void. And what I did was I burnt myself out because I just kept reaching for new things that I thought would fill the void. And then um, you know, I I did, I burnt out.

Simone 31:36

And I think that um, I mean, that's what society teaches us, though. It's like they keep telling giving you fill the void, fill it with this, fill it with that. Don't overexplore who you are. Like, oh, don't be a creative, don't do this, just have more things, just have it. So there's no chance for you to think, who actually am I? Do I even want these trainers? Do I want this car? Do I want this, you know, like and they make it so alien for you to not want it that you then become the weirdo if you decide to explore your truth, which is yeah, again, part of the programming, but that's what you're doing.

Jess 32:12

Yeah, but then but when you connect with that, like with that layer of purpose and clarity of like this is like this is the truth that I'm here to live. It is uh it's just like that. I feel like that like idea of like I want more, is it like selfish of me to want more? Like there's something missing, like that whole just sort of it's full. Like you are just you're alive and and yeah.

Simone 32:38

And interesting things selfish as well, because it's a big thing with women is is it selfish as a woman? I mean, I say it's self full. I I mean I again also I didn't have any kids. I decided that's not something I wanted, you know. I've been told that that's selfish of me, and you know, well, then what's your purpose and why are you here? And think, well, I actually would be selfish if I had kids that I didn't want because I meant to fulfill this role, you know. So it's just as long as you're self-full, like what makes you fall inside of that? But there's this whole thing with women afraid to be selfish, because again, that's been demonized, and then that then does escalate to rage at some point because you've hidden yourself out of your own life and your own equation for so long.

Jess 33:23

You get to this place and you're like, Who am I and how did I get here? And then you realize that like the box you've just been like filling with everybody else's stuff is ready to just like burst, you know, and and that's the rage moment, right? That's like that's where it comes out. So so if you talk about like expression of rage, um, and like I don't know, even just like spotting the warning signs, like I think sometimes when you start to look in this direction and you start to peel back the layers and you start to explore what you've been suppressing, it can all sort of come out pretty quickly, right? Like it's the I don't know, it's like a floodgate. So would you say that journaling is like the like journal, like rage journaling? I'm picturing your um your journal as a kid. Did you say there were like little sheep on it with like you know, the deep barks? But so would you say that that's like the would like the healthiest expression of starting to like release some of those pent-up feelings and things that we've stuck down?

Simone 34:24

Actually, my outside of journaling, my next favorite way is movement 100%. Um, so if I have like dance therapy, which is basically especially to learn, you know, there's so much good music. So and I love house music, I love electro music. So I would take myself out Monday or Thursday or something, and I would I've barely even talked to people, give eye contact. I just go to dance and move and release it through the music, and I sleep so well. So that really, really helps. And then if I'm at home and I need to release it straight away, um I have what I call a rager playlist, and I put on a variety of tunes that either allow me to like rap intense lyrics for like, you know, five, ten minutes, um, or like super loud music like put on and just like move my body crazily too for however long. But it's physically getting it out of your body, like shaking and stamping and doing all of that because it's it's a physical sensation that needs to be moved through. And sometimes, I mean, if I'm really in the moment and I can't help it, I would actually just scream out. So there's times when I just scream and that's that makes me feel better.

Jess 35:38

Good. Yeah. I mean, we should totally just normalize screaming, I think. Like what why not? Right? Yeah, yeah, no, it is. It's funny, the movement thing, I think um it's it's so powerful when you use it in that way. I do find that like when I can tell, like when I'm like, I like like I do um like power flow, hot power flow yoga. So very sweaty, very like, and if I haven't been there in a certain amount of time and I'm like working through some stuff, I'm like, I really need to like get there. And then those are the sessions I'll actually like cry through sometimes. It's just my body's just like get all of this like out of you. But do you feel like dance like with dancing? Um, I process through music too. So I have like my playlists are like based on the emotion that I'm like trying to process. Um but do you find that like you have to do it intentionally? Like, do you have to sort of like set the intention? Like, I'm gonna go out dancing tonight because I need to release this, or does it just happen naturally?

Simone 36:40

Personally, I set the intention. Um, I very much believe in ritualizing life, though. So I feel like you know, everything can once with intention, you're living the life of conscious magic and everything is for a reason. And so setting the intention of I'm gonna go, even like I'm gonna go and enjoy myself and release these emotions because my body needs it. And then as soon as you get into the environment, you're already in a whole different mind state state, your body feels different, you move differently, and then you listen to the way your body wants to move because you set the intention rather than just being there for the sake of it, and then your energy ends up leaking out, I find, you know. So yeah.

Jess 37:21

Yeah, yeah. And absorbing other, you know, you're for me at least. Like I, yeah, I absorb the energy in my environment a lot. And so yeah, I was curious. I think like I hadn't actually thought about that, but I think that for me, I would really need to like set an intention in order to like have that balance of like releasing what I need to release, but like also not allowing in what I don't like want. Exactly.

Simone 37:44

And especially because of the environment. Like, if you go to something like ecstatic dance, that's conscious dancing, and like generally no one's talking on the dance floor anyway, because it's not allowed, and you know what's allowed in your space. And so you're able to really be in your process an ecstatic dance. When it's just you're going to a club and there's what you know, some people might be really drunk, some people are high or drunk, you know, like then you have to set the intention because you have to bubble yourself, you know, and keep yourself inside your moment.

Jess 38:14

Yeah, yeah, there is, there's such a difference, I think. Like, especially from, you know, I think of my like younger years going out dancing, it's like that's a whole different meaning than I think like you know, if I were to go out dancing now. And there's I I've been like seeing these headlines about like women-only dance clubs, and I think that's like yeah, brilliant. Because have you been to one?

Simone 38:34

I think in London they had a few couple of those, and it's just the vibe, and even there's a really, really fun one. It was like uh Femmes, Quiz, and something else, and the forenish you had without thinking anyone's gonna come up behind you and want to be talking any crap, no one watch your number, no one want you know, it's just it's like you know the moment the feelings you get in the girls' bathroom, but like that's not club.

Jess 38:57

Yeah, I know, and it's like it's sad that that's like a the point that we're at where like we need, you know, any like just like no men, sorry guys, but like no, because it's like I don't like I don't wanna you know what happens when somebody approaches you for your number and you're like I'm like what like I like I'm married, like I've but then like the response is like you know, like what like like I've like offended you because I've embarrassed you or something, right? But it's like those, even just those like microaggressions, like it just feels like it would be so freeing to just be able to go and move your body and release whatever it is that you're holding.

Simone 39:33

And dress however you want, you have to worry about any of that. You know, you and it's usually theme. The one in London was theme, so sometimes it would be like really hot and sexy, but it's just it's you and your friends, it's incredible experience. I was like euphoric by the time I got home. The next day I felt amazing, truly therapy. Don't therapy.

Jess 39:51

Wow, yeah, movement. Okay, so movement is really where it's at. Um, you know, in in central Pennsylvania where I live, I think my Are like athletic Zumba or line dancing.

Simone 40:04

And so line dancing, I'd love a bit of that. Oh, I'm here for line dancing.

Jess 40:08

I do think actually that would be really fun. Um, but yeah, we don't have um these awesome dance clubs that you talk about. But maybe um maybe if I can manifest this, you know, my summer in Tulum, uh I will find some fun dancing. We'll see.

Simone 40:25

Yeah, let me know. I've got I can yeah, let you know what's going on or put you in the good WhatsApp groups or you know amazing.

Jess 40:32

That sounds amazing. And maybe our journeys will align so we're there at the same time now. Yeah. That'll be good. Yes. Okay, well, thank you. Thank you so much for being here with me today. Um love this conversation. It's been so enlightening because it is something that like, you know, I work in the space of like suppressed emotion all the time, but I just I don't think Ray just talked about enough. And I don't think that there's I think that it just still feels like that's not mine. And so I'm just really glad to be able to like sort of destigmatize the word range and like look if we could all just like normalize screaming, I think that would be really helpful.

Simone 41:10

Thank you. That should be normalized screaming is vital and necessary, 100%.

Jess 41:16

Oh, good. I love that. Awesome. I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much as I did. We will see you back here on Conditioning to Consciousness next week.